...Further Notes

1. I thought my mug of happiness was overflowing until I sighted you. When it became clear you could do pretty well without me, a gap formed and now simply persists. I can't say I am unhappy-hardly! Bless the angel that guides my life. But during the moments when I am sitting with my friends sipping coffee under the lilting influence of the cool breeze and the afternoon sun, the possibilities of your joy flashes by and it is back to feeling all alone.

2. I duely added you to my messengers and cellphone; I noted down your landline and beyond that I engineered oh-so-many face-to-face's, and even fixed my route to give myself a chance to knock your door. All set and done, now I am feeling like a bungee jumper at the edge of a cliff. It was the same ten years before. Then, I gave myself the excuse that things are bound to be messy and palpitated the first time around. But, ah, we never grow up perhaps. Many emotions
conflict at the cliff-edge. They needn't but ain't it boring if all the worthy heroes are lined up like propah school kids on the same side! The urge to spend time with you rages like waves-against the fragile sense of my self-respect and decency that says, never in your self-centred pathos are you to become a nuisance to an unerring soul.

A Note of Love, Unrequited

This madness cannot be explained. It is not easily expunged yet I know it cannot be excused. Sorry for showering a love you never wanted. Sorry for being a nuisance-For that shortwhile I couldn't help it. Thanks for putting up with me, for not shaking me off anxiously like I was a leech. You have been a lovely being. Bless the God who could come up with you and other such beauteous beings, Amen!!

Sounds of a Marriage

Wishing someone over the phone on his marriage is hilarious.
Radhika calls me and says, 'mahesh NOW!'
'What?'And before she could answer I hear all that tumultous happy sounds of the marriage.
'Oh yes, ramdas' marriage I say to myself and mentally chide Radhika for not following the lengthy protocols we had laid earlier, which had to do with a relay of missed call signals and hence was cheaper.
But i guess this is better. The cellphone, apparently in Radhika's hands, was covering the event live: The melange of happy shrieks and giggles didn't mean much, yet meant a lot. 'There goes Madhavi with that high pitched joyshrieks of hers. Does this giggle belong to Radhika? By the way where are Pooja's fitting repartees; where are Priya's softer tones?'

Some familiar tune is played in the background. I try to decipher what it is. I know this a tamil film number. Yet the excitement of the situation and the fact that I shall have to appropriately wish Ramdas in a few moments from now keep my attentions divided. The two sides being, what could be that number and how shall I wish Ramdas.

'Good luck maaaan!!'-with full force of cheerfulness
'I am happy for you Ram, I am happy for you...'-measured and punctuated by pregnant pauses that is supposed to communicate gravitas and thoughtfulness
'Heyy happy married life Ram!'-served with an extra dose of enthu
Eh everything sounds conventional. Either from the textbook or handed down as tradition or as seen in the movies. How shall I wish him in an inimitable manner?
'Deii maapilai, kalakku daaa..nallaa ensoi pannu!' in a tone that derives from the streets of chennai
'Many many happy returns of the day' Is this apt? Would he like to stand like this sweating and posing every day of his life even though the gifts may seem adequate compensation?
'Mmm mmm nadathu nadhathu, asathu daaa!' in a conspiring, naughty tone
'Irandai petru Inbamaaga vaazhudaa!' Uhh, it sounds like a government worker propagating birthcontrol measures.

Suddenly the booming voice of Ramdas cuts through my selection process and puts a stop to it. 'Thanks machhaan, for calling up and wishing me...'
'Err..I haven't yet delivered..'
'Romba nanri daaa, I am glad you called..'
'Yeah, sure,..good luc...'

Suddenly his gushing ends. And I am left high and dry, again listening to the sounds of the marriage while they are apparently posing for the video and the photos. That's virtually the end of the call as a few second later Radhika says goodbye to me to pounce upon two vacant seats at the marriage feast.

My immediate surrounding come into picture again. The unobtrusive orange light throwing around mellow shadows, the measured footsteps of the security pacing the verandah, the hurried footsteps of a student rushing to take some printouts, and me just transported back from the ambience of a wedding. I feel like a space-time traveller easing out his mental panting and looking around to see if he has arrived back as unobstrusively as possible.

Christ for the Matinee

It’s a baking midsummer sun. We should be mad to be loitering around on the roads. I I simply want to settle in my room like a crumpled heap of clothes, book in hand. The room shall be hot but I guess it is fine-the books are inviting. The room shall be for me what this sprawling old tree is for this second-hand book vendor. I am sure Lovelesh wouldn’t like my simple plan for the afternoon…I am sure he is sweating, swearing, and rattled by this noon heat. Just look at his face..!

Anything but my sweaty room! Somewhere cool…but where? Look at Vivek, nonchalant as usual. Strip him naked and make him kneel down on the rocks by the side of Marine Drive he would still be poker faced, hmmm…! Alternatives…alternatives…cheap, cool and lasting till the sun hits the ocean…Café Mondegar, Jehangir Arts Gallery, Croissants, Oxford Bookshop…no…no…not quite right…the point is, uninterrupted AC till evening.

What do we do till evening Vivek? It shall be too hot in the room.
I am gonna settle with Erica Jong.
Erica..? Ok! Erica for you…then suggest me something before you hit your bed with her…
You see the toilets in my floor were stinking. You could…
F*** you. That’s what I shall do. Jesus Christ! Jim Caviezel from the Cross. A matinee show of The Passion at Regal Cinemas…whats the time now…ah it is 10 minutes from now! This is it. Vivek, let’s go to the Passion! What say?
Passion…well! I feel ambivalent about watching Jesus’ suffering on the silver screen. I mean…please, it is not entertainment! There were some things in life you dealt with a lot of respect. Good professors, great books, your parent’s sentiments…this is one such right? For what vicarious pleasure would you want to see the movie? Why do I want to see the movie? Though I know I do want to see it…what would come of it? Not much, mmm….
Let’s go Lovelesh. Only I feel you might not relish so much blood and religion for a matinee.
Oh that’s fine man. Religion or anything, it’s eventually a good movie I suppose. If for nothing else then atleast for the popcorns during the interval…
Well... I am sure you won’t have the appetite for popcorns by the time the interval arrives.
What’s your point!
I mean, it is so bloody maan. It’s gonna be godaamn retching…
Hey please...it is just a movie.
Surely not something to flavor with popcorns…

Vivek makes me wonder if all that blood shall somehow dampen my plans to relax. Sometimes these movie makers are nuts, out of mind I should say. But then not more than the people who end up seeing their films. How could I ever understand people who pay to cry, mmm? There in that corner, by the door, a religious type is crying, offering prayers with palms pointing upwards…that too in a cinema, imagine! There surely is lot of money in making people feel miserable!

For the faithful everything speaks the Lord’s word. Then why not a sincerely crafted film! What if it is gory; reality was such wasn’t it...if the foyer of a cinema could be turned into a prayer hall as the elderly woman by the corner of the door is doing I guess the film is not mere entertainment. It is a Mass in darkened halls.

Vivek check out that chick in psychedelic pink. Doesn’t she resemble Esha?
What Esha? Oh, maybe...I don’t know yaar.

He is taking it way too seriously, Vivek-like the woman by the door offering prayers! We walk up the stairs and step into the darkness of the theatre. Probably it is for these types tragedies are made. ‘Oops we are a bit late!’ Everything inside has taken the blue tinge of the scene on the screen. Clouds waft by a bluish moon. It is eerie. Jesus, knelt, is looking up earnestly towards his Father seeking resolve. The last occasion where blue was used with great impact were the opening scenes of Roja in which Wasim Khan is snared. The atmosphere here is way too good. The chill and desperation of that night is nicely painted in blue. Mel scores fully for imagining Satan in such seductive terms! He once stated in an interview that it reflects how he sees evil to be. Apparently normal and so deceptively attractive!

The first chapters of suffering were already being played out on a bluish screen. Jesus kneels down in a night lighted by a bulbous moon, reclaiming his resolve from the seductions of the Satan. Temptation is not a sin; yielding is. Doubt no sacrilege; ceasing to believe is. If before the momentous journey of the greatest martyrdom He had felt uncertain…phew, that comes as a relief. If the master had his doubts and the disciples were no perfect; yet with belief and resolve had they stuck to their ends…there is yet salvation. It is interesting to see how attractive Satan has been depicted. It’s true to life right! Vice always seduces; virtue never solicits.

Oh man…the sequence depicting the damnation of Judas is one helluva sequence! Loud, impish kids representing Satan plaguing a conscience. Judas’ body hanging from a stark tree against a blue, peaceful sky. Then, there couldn’t have been a better background for this scene than the buzz of the wild insects rummaging the carcass. Man, I am liking the movie!

Judas, poor guy! Sometimes it is too late for redemption. Your sins stick to you like leprosy and eat into your soul. Judas is repentant for his sins but that alone doesn’t bring peace. Isn’t repenting enough? Is it a mere knee jerk reaction? Is it just a starting point towards redemption and by itself not of much avail?

Ahh, that is so close to the films I know! If Mel thinks a flashback scene of Mary running anxiously to save baby Jesus from getting hurt innovative, how wrong he is. It would look so familiar to our audience! In contrast the Indian audience shall find Mary’s controlled sadness very intriguing. An Indian Mary would have cried her lungs out-her wail would have edged out all noises from the scene.

Travelling down the cobblestone paths with the cross on the back. The people’s sins upon the Heart. Which is heavier Oh Christ, which whittles you down? I know the truth according to me. But you shall say: the Cross right now cuts through my skin; as for people’s sin it’s for me to forgive them. They know not what they do. Mother Mary stoic and controlled; the knowledge of her son’s divinity, the understanding of his religion a meager wall against a raging maternal instinct. She runs, her suffering let loose. She runs to cradle a bloody Jesus stumbling by the path; the heavy cross breaking his limbs; the searing whips ploughing his wounds. How many times shall he fall; how many times humanity shall fail itself; how many more times shall prophets and seers be burnt at the stakes?

This bugs me man! Twice or thrice is fine but not so many times. Now I almost feel bored when Jim Caviezel, nay, Jesus stumbles down for the umpteenth time. Mel has told the story in an unemotional key. Maybe it was a deliberate choice to present the story as it is without embellishing it further than is necessary. That’s why the documentary style. That’s why the protracted scenes of misery. Possibly, the film works best for people who identify closely with Christ; for those who have the faith…

Oh my gawd…how could people ever do this? Stretch a writhing body to hammer a nail through it…argghh…

Hmm…Vivek, has taken it right to his heart. He has simply buried his heads into his thighs…Hey, Vivek…are u fine? As I thought, the film works if you are the type to closely identify with the protagonists…
The final scenes, a naked Jesus gets up to reach heaven. Where the nails had made their way near the wrists are now clean holes. I wonder if it is artistic license or a biblical one!

We decide to walk back to our rooms. I feel as if hit by a thunder. I am not feeling normal. I want to be left alone for some time.

Vivek looks stoned as we crossed the road. I keep an eye on him as he seems oblivious to the heavy traffic honking on the roads. Vivek…surely, the movie has got onto you
I guess so…
Keep it out of your mind buddy
Not as if I have a choice, you know
It’s a film, fullstop
But I can’t see it as yet another flick
Is Religion simply extreme sentiment!! Whatever...I would never understand either you or the woman who prayed at the theatre!
Maybe you don’t need to right now. But there shall come a time when your popcorns are less tastier…